CBS Tells "Pirate Master" to Walk the Plank

In a summer filled with premature cancellations, I shouldn't really be surprised by any network pulling the trigger.

That said, I was stunned to learn that CBS has canceled reality series Pirate Master, which had recently moved to Tuesday nights after launching a few weeks ago (and failing to find traction) on Thursday.

Five unaired episodes of Pirate Master, from reality maven Mark Burnett, remain and will be burned off on CBS.com, with new episodes appearing every Tuesday at 3 am ET/midnight PT, beginning tomorrow.

Pirate-themed reality series, which failed to find an audience this summer, will also be made available to the CBS Audience Network.

Hmmm, maybe the pirates shouldn't have voted Joe Don off the ship after all.

Joe Don is Gone: A New Captain for the Crew on "Pirate Master"

Is anyone out there still watching Pirate Master?

I have to say that last night's episode of the, er, pirate-themed adventure show was a little better than the previous week's installment, if only because we got to see tyrannical captain Joe Don get booted from his position of authority and the power structure shift completely. (Of course, the crew is happy when you're making them equals, Azmyth!)

But I was hoping for more conflict when the deposed despot was forced to join the rest of the crew in hard labor and penury. Instead, the contestants seemed to really pay him no heed and the new captain, Azmyth, and his officers didn't even give him a black spot.

Additionally, I had hoped that this series would combine the scheming and treachery of Survivor with the sort of expeditions found on, say, The Amazing Race, but instead the "expeditions" are far too brief (I feel they should comprise the majority of the episode) and, well, rather lame. Find a skull in the water and break it open to find a key? Walk through a waterfall to find a treasure chest? Yawn. I want real adventure, head-scratching clues, and physically-exerting challenges. Plus, having the sabotage at the start of every expedition takes away any suspense and turns a game-changer into something predictable and expected.

Burning questions from last night's episode:

-What was up with Azmyth's truly awful faux British accent? I'm not sure if he was meant to be imitating Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean... or Madonna.

-Why was Joe Don not even in contention for a black spot? I would have thought that the Red Team would have loved to have cut their former leader adrift post haste, but instead they targeted Cheryl, the deputy district attorney.

-Will Cheryl ever stop mentioning the fact that she's a deputy district attorney? (Just wondering.)

-Who the hell is Laurel? Sure, Azmyth and the others felt as though she flew under the radar a bit but I don't even know for certain that we've seen her on camera until last night. For a vagabond who lived in a van for a year, she's certainly coming off rather vanilla on the series.

-What the hell was Alexis doing walking while the rest of her team was feverishly trying to paddle the boat? Let's just hope that producers pick up the castaways after they're cut adrift or the fashion publicist is likely still floating somewhere in the Caribbean...

Next week on Pirate Master ("Death by Coconuts"), flirting between shipmates could turn into full-blown romance, Jay must deal with the fact that Sean went against their deal, and the latest treasure brings a twist in the game: a Royal Pardon.

Yo Ho Hum: "Pirate Master" Needs to Kick It Into a Higher Gear

I'm definitely enjoying Pirate Master, CBS's latest reality offering, but I do wish that, well, something would happen. I can't help but shake the feeling that the first two episodes of the series (especially last night's episode) were glacially paced.

The series definitely has a worthy villain in current ship's captain Joe Don, who seems incapable of realizing that, while he's off guzzling rum, eating enormous breakfasts, and sleeping in his luxe quarters, his crew is monumentally unhappy. (Not so unhappy they'll announce a mutiny and depose him, but more on that in a bit.)

Coming from a military background, Joe Don has seized control of the ship with an iron fist, keeping his two officers above the fracas of life below-deck and making deals with one of the workers, automotive parts salesman Jay, to spy on his fellow crew members for $2K in gold. Of course, the only way that works is if you keep that little arrangement a secret, so I'm not entirely sure why Joe Don spilled the beans on that affair during Pirates' Court. (I did love, however, that Jay lied to others about exactly how much money he had received from Joe Don.)

While Jay seems to have his head in the game, I do wish the other contestants would step up a bit more and start to, you know, play the game. I want to see more instances of mutinous sentiment (Louie is already a favorite and must be separated at birth from Survivor's Rupert) and out-of-the-box thinking, like having newly appointed cook Sean poison Joe Don's food. Or at the very least slip some diuretic into his next meal. Hell, while winning the money is an enticement, if I were on the captain's team during an expedition, I'd intentionally sabotage the team, allowing the Red team to win and the captain getting deposed. If you're going to be on a series called Pirate Master, one needs to think more like a pirate, methinks.

In the end, I'm still not entirely sure why the pirates voted off the Nigerian Nightmare, Christian. Sure, he was slower than most during the expedition and didn't do much to earn the cash other than slightly wave a stick around at some snakes, but the guy seems strong. And I would have thought that his strength would come in handy at a time when the crew is subsisting on a thin, unappetizing gruel. (Where's a Top Chef when you need one?)

Despite injuring herself during the expedition, Joy proved herself a favorite by once again making a stirring speech and wound up without a single vote. Kendra, on the other hand, was saved by a single vote; she really needs to step it up next week or she'll be cut adrift herself. On a series that's set at sea, everyone really needs to have strong swimming skills...

But I'm really just waiting for the moment when the pirates realize that Cheryl is secretly an assistant district attorney (maybe host Cameron Daddo can spill this himself?) and has been sizing them all up since she set foot on the Picton-Castle. Mwhahaha. There will be hell to pay. Or at least, I hope it will kick things into gear a little bit.

Next week on Pirate Master ("Bribes, Lies and Vengeful Eyes"): everyone's tired of Captain Joe Don and another mutiny attempt is hatched, while one pirate resorts to bribery in order to make sure that Pirates' Court voting goes his way. As they say in the promos, watch your back!

What's On Tonight

8 pm: Ghost Whisperer (CBS); 1 vs. 100 (NBC); WWE Friday Night SmackDown (CW; 8-10 pm); America's Funniest Home Videos (ABC); Bones (FOX)

9 pm: Close to Home (CBS); Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC); National Bingo Night (ABC); Standoff (FOX)

10 pm: NUMB3RS (CBS); Law & Order (NBC); 20/20 (ABC)

What I'll Be Watching

8-10 pm: The Gil Mayo Mysteries on BBC America.

It's the launch of an all-new mystery series on BBC America starring Alistair McGowan (Bleak House) as Gil Mayo, a single dad and detective. On the first episode, Mayo investigates the murder of a young trustafarian; in the second, the team looks into the death of the proprietor of a family-owned business.

CBS Unveils Identities of "Pirate Master" Contestants

Ahoy, mateys!

CBS has officially unveiled the identities of the 16 men and women who will be competing on this summer's much anticipated reality series Pirate Master.

As shown from the list below, Los Angeles is (naturally) over-represented but there seem to be some interesting characters already emerging (my favorite has got to be the scientist/Chippendale dancer; where else are you going to find that combo?) including a smokejumper, a dive master, and a glassblower, but I can't help but wonder if we really needed more than one bartender on this ship. (Yo ho, ho, and all that.)

Christa DeAngelo (29)
Hometown: Tamaqua, Pennsylvania
Occupation: Ex-military

Ben Fagan (23)
Hometown: Boston, Massachusetts
Occupation: Student/musician

Louie Frase (43)
Hometown: Fishing Creek, Maryland
Occupation: Marina owner

Kendra Guffey (38)
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Occupation: Dive master

Jay Hatkow (37)
Hometown: Detroit, Michigan
Occupation: Automotive parts salesman

Azmyth Kaminski (26)
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Occupation: Music producer

Cheryl Kosewicz (35)
Hometown: Sparks, Nevada
Occupation: Fundraiser

John Lakness (25)
Hometown: Carlisle, Massachusetts
Occupation: Scientist/Chippendale dancer

Joceyln "Joy" McElveen (21)
Hometown: West Columbia, South Carolina
Occupation: Receptionist

Elicia "Jupiter" Mendoza (30)
Hometown: Los Angeles
Occupation: Bartender

Joe Don "J.D." Norton (36)
Hometown: Ft. Wainwright, Alaska
Occupation: Smokejumper

Nessa Nemir (29)
Hometown: Berkeley, California
Occupation: Make-up artist

Christian Okoye (45)
Hometown: Rancho Cucamonga, California (originally Nigeria)
Occupation: Former Kansas City Chiefs player

Laurel Schmidt (21)
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Occupation: Glass blower

Alexis Shubin (26)
Hometown: Laguna Beach, California
Occupation: Fashion publicist

Sean Twomey (27)
Hometown: Venice, California
Occupation: Bartender

Just going on gut instinct, I'm gonna say that Louie is a real character, if only for the reason that the guy owns a marina. But I really want to see just how well the scientist/Chippendale dancer (John), the makeup artist (Nessa) and the fashion publicity (Alexis) adapt to a rather cutthroat life aboard a pirate ship. How long before these players have to swab the deck?

As for me, I can't wait for May 31st to come around already. Let the games begin.

CBS Sets Sail With "Pirate Master"

Ahoy, maties. CBS has finally announced a launch date for their latest Mark Burnett-produced reality series, Pirate Master, which will set sail this summer on Thursday, May 31st at 8 pm.

Personally, I can't wait for this series, a pitch perfect blend of pirate lore, high camp, and brutal elimination-style reality television. (A preview can be found here.)

"Pirate Master breaks new ground in that it's the collision of fantasy and reality," explained creator and executive producer Mark Burnett. "This is a show where, in true pirate fashion, anything can happen with a group of people that live by their own set of rules and usually break them. It's adventure, excitement and loads of treasure. Anyone who ever wanted to be a pirate will love this show!"

The series will follow 16 Americans as they search for $1 million worth of buried treasure on the high seas, around the Caribbean island of Dominica. Players will live and travel as pirates on a massive 179-foot ship and embarking each week on expeditions were they will be forced to decipher clues in order to locate actual gold coins, which they will get to keep after the season wraps... or which they can use to make deals or bribe other players.

Like Survivor, Pirate Master will feature its own version of tribal council: Pirate's Court, where each week three selected pirates (each given a black mark by the captain) will plead their cases before one is cut adrift and eliminated from the competition. Or the captain himself could find himself the victim of a mutiny. Ultimately, this is a reality television show where anything really can happen and anyone could go home at any time.

The scheduling for Pirate Master will have the new skein take over the Thursdays at 8 pm timeslot vacated by Survivor when the venerable reality series goes on hiatus this summer. Not coincidentally, the launch date will mean that Pirate Master is premiering exactly seven years to the day that Survivor first showed up on the airwaves, before immunity idols, voting someone off the island, and a naked Richard Hatch were household terms.