"Roosters Are Real" (But These Girls Are Not): CW's "Farmer Wants a Wife"

I'll admit that I didn't have high expectations for CW's latest reality dating series "experiment," the dubiously named Farmer Wants a Wife, but after watching the series' premiere episode (airing tomorrow night on CW)... let's just say I'm not "walking in high cotton," to borrow a phrase from the series' titular farmer.

From the series' low-budget and ghastly opening sequence, featuring the farmer and a bevy of city-slicker women from whom he'll select his wife under the strains of a painfully cheesy song about the show we're actually watching (and "adorable" on-screen graphics), I knew I was in for something akin to train wreck television. Farmer Wants a Wife isn't a guilty pleasure... it just made me feel plain guilty for watching it.

Sure, I was pleasantly surprised that the farmer in question--Matt, who runs his family's idyllic farm--wasn't a total rube but in fact a college-educated gentleman farmer, albeit one with a penchant for driving around on his tractor shirtless, a fact which may have titillated the reality series' female contestants but which had this jaded critic rolling his eyes. Still, the overly tanned, overly waxed farmer seems to have much more charisma and sophistication than the allegedly cosmopolitan (read: spoiled) women at his disposal. Once again reinforcing the notion that reality television is the last refuge of uneducated, shameless individuals, Farmer Wants a Wife has assembled a bunch of catty, batty, and in many cases just plain trashy women. Some of them may be professionals, but this series reduces them to nothing more than man-crazy harpies with bad skin.

Texas-born Marketing representative Brooke feels an immediate intense connection with Farmer Matt but when she's passed over for a solo date with him (in lieu of her blonde rival), she does her best to spoil that date by toilet papering his truck... a fact which I am sure didn't earn her any points with the farmer. But at least she seems somewhat at home on the farm, which is more than I can say for most of the other women, with the exception of property manager Kanisha and accountant Krista; the majority of the women seem either terrified or grossed out by everything on the farm, from the chickens running freely to the presence of cow dung. A fact which makes me question just what they thought they were getting into by entering this reality television competition.

But the real low here is the inclusion of certifiable math and tennis teacher Josie, a disgusting Orange County self-proclaimed "gold-digger," who refuses to lift a finger, asks Matt's mother about maid service and the toilet quality of the farm house, insults both Matt (his income being far below the successful guys she typically dates) and her fellow contestants, and who walks around in the skimpiest of ill-fitting clothes, her face a fright mask of overblown makeup. I'm really not sure what she's doing here, other than the fact that the producers clearly saw her as someone who would rile up her competitors. Her relish for causing trouble and her revolting personality may just make her the female equivalent of Johnny Fairplay, just more mentally imbalanced if that's possible. It terrifies me that this woman is teaching children anything.

And that's perhaps the most frightening thing about Farmer Wants a Wife: that this seemingly decent guy will be forced to choose a bride from among these shrews. I get that his hometown is small and his options limited, but I can't help but think that there had to be a better solution to finding him a mate than this travesty.

Farmer Wants a Wife launches Wednesday evening at 9 pm on the CW. For a sneak peek, take a look below.