Beauty Queens Not Crowned: Dustin and Kandice Do Not Win "The Amazing Race"

Excuse me while I wipe the vomit from my television.

I cannot believe that Eric and Danielle are now a million dollars richer and that Dustin and Kandice didn't win this thing. Hell, I'd rather Charla and Mirna won this rather than Eric and Danielle. Grr. It just makes me so damn angry.

Last night's season finale of The Amazing Race stirred up all sorts of emotions as I vacillated between hope that the Beauty Queens would win (making them the first female team to win TAR) and depression at the thought that they'd come in a close second. (Why couldn't there have been another flag challenge to throw Eric?)

Still, I was a little nervous when I saw the tension between Dustin and Kandice take their toll after the disastrous kayaking expedition off the shore of Shipwreck Beach in Hawaii. (Whose idea was it exactly to get out of the boat and *walk* with it?) The car ride afterwards was even more tense as Kandice attacked Dustin for her ego and poor teamwork. (Oh, come on, girls, don't fight.) But they quickly recovered and got their heads back in the game. I thought of all the teams, these two would have the best sense of how the other thought of their competitors, but I could not believe that Dustin changed her answer at the last second. Rob and Amber were definitely the least trustworthy team--though I love that Eric and Danielle seem to think that it's Danny and Oswald--and I wish that she would have gone with her first instinct.

Charla and Mirna, meanwhile, semi-toned it down this week and managed to snag a better flight from Tokyo to Hawaii, for all the good it did them. They proved themselves quite adept at finding better flight alternatives and with persuading, coercing, and kidnapping than the other teams. I do have an enormous amount of respect for what Charla has been able to accomplish, given her limitations (i.e., Mirna) and the fact that she's done simply amazing things both times that she's run this Race. All in all, I do think that the two of them played a better game than Eric and Danielle.

And then there's (gulp) All-Stars winners Eric and Danielle, who managed to escape elimination not once, but twice this season (why, oh, why couldn't they have gotten the cut earlier) and who didn't exactly run a very good race, what with them constantly being at each other's throats. Their success had more to do with luck at times (and their defeats via flying with bad luck) but when it counted, they seemed to stay in the game. I was hoping that their taxi driver would get lost or make a wrong turn or that they'd get stuck in traffic while the blondes sailed to victory, but in the end, that two-minute lead time they had coming out of the Mint gave them a huge advantage.

I'm still in shock that they won this thing and even more by Eric's completely disturbing call with a shorn Jeremy in Florida. Which was just all-out creepy, what with the promises of spankings, etc. These are the lowlifes that won an All-Star edition of Amazing Race?

To Eric and Danielle, don't ever forget that money doesn't equal good taste. To Charla and Mirna, keep on truckin' but lay off kidnapping people and using the phrase "it's a life or death situation." And, finally, to Dustin and Kandice, you should have won this game, but not if it was going to tear your friendship apart. I've been rooting for you from the start and hopefully this isn't the last we see of you.

And, I'm told The Amazing Race, while not officially renewed by CBS (not until the upfronts next week), is already in pre-production for next season, so TAR fans, fret not. The granddaddy of reality series will be back next season.

What's On Tonight

8 pm: How I Met Your Mother/The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS); Deal or No Deal (NBC); Everybody Hates Chris/All of Us (CW); Dancing with the Stars (ABC; 8-9:30 pm); House (FOX)

9 pm: Two and a Half Men/The King of Queens (CBS); Heroes (NBC); Girlfriends (CW); The Bachelor (ABC; 9:30-11 pm); 24 (FOX)

10 pm: CSI: Miami (CBS); The Real Wedding Crashers (NBC)

What I'll Be Watching

8 pm: Waking the Dead on BBC America.

It's the return of the stylish smart UK murder investigation series. On tonight's episode, Boyd and his team investigate the discovery of a mummified couple who were, er, sexually conjoined, found in a concealed office, which ignites a scandal.

8 pm: Everybody Hates Chris.

On tonight's episode ("Everybody Hates Math"), Rochelle tutors Chris in math when he is forced to master algebra as part of a math competition but he ends up turning for help from Maxine, Rochelle's ex-math teacher mom. Meanwhile, Tanya takes the fall for Drew when he accidentially breaks Julius' favorite chair.

8:30 pm: Old Christine.

On tonight's episode ("Frasier"), Christine learns that her reckless evening of passion with Richard may have irreversibly damaged her chances of getting together with Ritchie's teacher, Mr. Harris (Blair Underwood).

9 pm: 24.

It's Day Six of 24. While FOX doesn't give us much in the way of previews, here's what we do know: Noah Daniels and Tom Lennox are forced to face off against presidential aide Lisa Miller (Kari Matchett) while Jack tries to deal with the looming international crisis in the face of Audrey's condition. I'm still more interested in what Karen Hayes is up to.

10 pm: The Riches on FX.

Is anyone else watching new drama The Riches on FX? On tonight's episode ("Cinderella"), Wayne's position at Panco is dependent on the Molloys pulling off the perfect dinner party but that's put in jeopardy by the arrival of Dahlia's murderous friend from prison.