Boredom by Design: "Top Design" is the Bottom of the Barrel

Yawn.

Let me begin by saying that I am an ardent fan of Bravo's many reality competition series. I get completely engrossed by Top Chef and I can't get enough of Project Runway.

But I (wrongly) figured that Top Design, Bravo's latest iteration in this ever-expanding universe of lifestyle competitions, would be a variation on those polished series, produced by the whimsically named production company Magical Elves.

The first thing I thought as Top Design began is that it's extremely obvious that another production company produced this series, as it's far less polished and put together than either Top Chef or Project Runway, which both look beautifully sleek and elegantly intelligent by comparison. Top Design is painfully slow at times (so much so that I wanted to stab out my own eyes), the contestants so far are tedious and lacking in personality, and the show is as exciting as watching paint dry... literally.

While shows about fashion or food have a certain sexiness inherent in their subjects, I couldn't find anything sexy or interesting about watching some bickering people create rooms out of similarly blank spaces. Both Top Chef and Project Runway have certain aspirational qualities to them that don't seem to translate here.

There's no way that anyone could ever fill Tim Gunn's luxurious loafers, but host/mentor Todd Oldham is a decent host/mentor for the designers. However, he doesn't radiate any excitement whatsoever. He's a little too nice and a little too approachable. One of Tim Gunn's chief weapons is the fact that he's helpful while still being a little distant at first. He's erudite and somewhat approachable yet emits an invisible beam of politesse while never seeming haughty. Oldham, on the other hand, just seems... blah. He seems like he's trying way too hard to be upbeat and peppy and the poorly dubbed voice over doesn't help matters either. (He ends up sounding, hysterically, like Kenneth the Page on 30 Rock.) And then he just up and disappears with no warning whatsoever. Bizarre.

As for the contestants, they're your usual bunch of whiny, self-entitled reality series contestants but I was hard pressed to even find a single one that I would want to root for this week... or any week for that matter. As soon as utterly useless 23-year-old Michael and obnoxiously aggressive John were introduced, I just knew that they'd SOMEHOW manage to get paired together in a challenge.

Top Design's judges lack the enthusiasm, presence, and personality of Heidi, Nina, Michael, Tom, or Gail. Watching Jonathan Adler, Kelly Wearstler, and the editor-in-chief of Elle Decor (I can't be bothered to look up her name at this point) walk through a series of rooms while taking notes isn't a highlight of tension and suspense.

As for the whole mystery behind the, er, mystery client, talk about a whole lot of build up for nothing, especially when the Alexis Arquette's participation extends to wandering through the designers' rooms and then sitting quietly before issuing her edict about whose design she liked best. (Not that she really seem to care for anything they did, to be honest.)

Tired, dull, and lackluster, Top Design is not something I can work up any enthusiasm about, nor do I think it will be a worthy successor to Bravo's other reality fare.

Sure, premiering this directly after the Season Two finale of Top Chef might be one way to get some curious viewers to tune in, but I'd be surprised if an audience sticks around for the second installment. Especially as Lost returns in the same timeslot next week. After all, this is one reality series I'd be happy to see disappear--by accident or by design--on a haunted island someplace.